Reciprocated
by iSpankzz
Summary: Dan doesn't know how to tell Phil how he feels. Can he tell him himself or will Phil find out on his own? WARNINGS: triggers from self harm and includes smut. Don't read if self harm is a trigger.
1. Reciprocated

**A/N: Please don't hate me for this. God I don't even know why I am writing it, I love Dan and Phil and most importantly the Phan pairing. But I've had a shitty week and I needed to write something like this.**

**Please don't kill me!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dan and Phil obviously, or I would not be writing this. Also, I am in no way insinuating that Phan is real, although I have my own opinions. **

**Enjoy?**

**Reciprocated**

Dan didn't know exactly when it had started, his feelings for his best friend, or maybe they'd been there all along.

It had been about a month ago when he had realized the feelings for Phil, when during one of the truth or dare videos he was dared to let Phil touch his neck. The internet knew that was a sensitive spot for Dan and that he absolutely hated it.

Phil had been expecting a cringe out of Dan, or even a groan of distaste, but rather what he got was a moan of sheer pleasure, where Phil quickly withdrew his hand and they had then, without much discussion, decided to edit that out of the video.

That's when he slowly became more and more aware of things. How his and Phil's relationship was much more different than most same sex roommates and friends. They both walked around in their boxers, sometimes leaving the bathroom to go to their designated rooms in the nude if they'd forgotten their clothes. They sat awfully close to each other on the couch, and there were times when Phil would sneak into his room at night after a night terror to sleep in his bed with him, though it didn't happen very often, or as much as Dan would like and they wouldn't talk about it.

Another thing that stuck out was the subtle flirting, it had used to just be a joke between the two of them, not really meaning much of anything. But now Dan blushed furiously whenever it happened and his heart would flutter in a way he hated to admit made him feel like a girl.

He had always been a happy person then too, but he hid a lot of dark secrets, some things that even Phil didn't know.

Dan was depressed. He was gay and eve his best friend didn't know. He harbored al of his feelings for Phil underneath jokes and playful shoves. There was only one person who actually knew of his feelings, and that was Peej.

As a way to deal with the bottled up emotions and depression, he had picked up cutting, hiding them on his legs, under his pants, and on the occasion his arms, when he would proceed to wear jackets or jumpers until they healed, which no one seemed to notice.

It was a Wednesday, they hadn't had anything planned for the day so Dan sat in the assumed position scrolling through Tumblr nonchalantly, and lingering on the Phan pictures their phans drew who insisted there was_ something_ between them.

But no one knew the truth, that there wasn't a thing going on, but oh how Dan wished there was.

Dan heard Phil's door opening up and then shutting, ad a shuffling down the hall.

Phil poured himself a bowl of Lucky Charms and came to sit down next to Dan, watching him scroll through Tumblr. This was something they did often, they'd sit on Tumblr and both make comments on some of the posts.

"What is that?" Phil asked pointing up at something Dan had scrolled past, Dan scrolled back up to the picture in question.

It was an edit of Dan looking at Phil with a caption insinuating something was going on as always.

"Just another crazy phan." Dan said scrolling down as Phi had checked it out long enough.

"I don't get it, why do people always think there's something going on between us. Can't to flat mates just be platonic?"

"Right?" Dan said, trying to seem as put off as Phil was.

He apparently wasn't to convincing as Phil looked over at him asking, "is something wrong Dan?"

"What- no. I'm fine." Phil could see past it, his friend had seemed down these past few days.

"Seriously Dan, something is wrong, you've been acting strange all week, and you haven't even tried to sneak my cereal!" Phil said, a small smile tugging at his lips hoping to cheer the other Brit up, it worked a little as Dan smiled and chuckled.

"It's nothing Phil. Just think I'm coming down with a cold is all, I think I'm going to go lie down." Dan closed his laptop, sitting it down beside him and getting up.

"Alright then, feel better!" He called to Dan who was just getting into his room. Dan sighed and closed the door behind him. He sat down at the head of his bed, pulling his legs up and hugging them to his chest.

_God what is wrong with me I'm losing it. He's going to end up finding out. I have to tell him at some point… _

_But is it worth out friendship? What if he doesn't accept me? Or worse finds me disgusting?_

Dan brought his legs down ad reached over to his side table, grabbing a tiny little razor wrapped in a small bloody cloth. Dan felt tears stinging at his eyes and let them out, sobbing quietly, not wanting to gather any attention from Phil. _God when did I become such a baby_. He unwrapped the cloth with quivering hands, pulling his pants down around his knees and boxers up revealing a row of scars, old cuts and new cuts hiding beneath them.

He pressed the shiny metal to his tanned skin, pressing lightly to his skin, feeling the sharp pain of it splitting the first few layers of skin, he sobbed quietly, removing the razor and making another line watching the blood rise to his skin and spilling over, a good amount getting onto the covers. He wrapped the razor back up, placing it back in his drawer in a small hole he had cut in the middle of a book. He grabbed a few Kleenexes and pressed it to his skin soaking up the blood. After about twenty minutes and he was sure it had stopped bleeding he wadded the tissues up and threw them in the trash and pulled his pants off.

He dried up his tears, grabbed his cover and his pants and headed to the wash room to throw them in, avoiding Phil as much as possible.

As he was emptying in the laundry detergent into the machine he heard Phil shuffle up behind him.

"What happened?" Phil asked, worry evident in his voice.

"I threw up on myself. I think I'm getting the flu." Dan answered, brushing past Phil and into the living room where his laptop was sitting open in a private file of his. He immediately rushed over and slammed it shut, that was where he kept all of his secrets, a journal you could say, and he had though he'd password protected it. "WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THERE!" Dan shouted.

Phil who had just turned the corner staggered backwards at the loudness.

"I'm sorry! I was just… You've been acting weird all week and I was worried and your password wasn't that hard so I-"

"Just because my password was easy doesn't mean you go snooping through my things! Oh god PHIL! What did you see?" He shouted, his face flushing deep crimson. He had confessed his feelings about Phil in there, his sexuality, the cutting. There was so much in there and Dan's stomach churned at the thought of Phil discovering it.

"I only read a few documents!" Phil said, but in those few documents, he had read enough.

Dan sat down on the sofa, his head in his hands, hiding his face. "What did you read?" He asked quietly.

"Enough to know that you're gay. And-" Phil came over and sat by Dan, his hand lightly pulling up the other man's boxers, "these. God Dan these are new! Are these from today!?"

Dan snatched the cloth from Phil, pulling it down to cover the cuts. "It's none of your business." He stated blandly.

Phil got on the ground in front of Dan and pulled his hands from away from his face. "Dan… You're my- you're my best friend of course it's my business. Why? Why did you do it? Why didn't you come to me?" Phil asked.

Tears were streaming down Dan's face at this point as he sobbed uncontrollably. "Phil… It's not that easy."

"You're my best friend. I wouldn't have judged you for anything. I wouldn't have pushed you away." Phil said, sitting back on his legs looking at Dan.

"That's just it Phil." Dan took a deep breath, holding back the tears, "you're my best friend, my flat mate. My _straight_ flat mate. I shouldn't feel this way about you. I shouldn't think about you like I do. And that's why I couldn't say anything!" Dan began crying at this point again throwing his head back into his hands.

"What are you talking about." Phil asked, honestly confused at this point.

"God damnit Phil are you that stupid! I fucking love you!" Dan shouted.

Phil sat back, eyes wide in shock, his mouth opening and closing like a fish, piecing it together, trying to figure out what to say. "Is that why you did this?" Phil placed his hand on the cuts on Dan's thigh.

"Yes. Because I'm a vile human being, I'm disgusting. And because I hated harboring feelings I knew you could never return." He said, wiping the tears from his eyes.

Phil didn't know what to do or say. "I'm sorry…. I don't…." Was all Phil could mutter out. Dan's head shot up, looking straight in Phil's eyes, before standing up and running to his bedroom, locking the door.

Phil chased after him, his fist banging on the door. "Dan please open up!"

Dan ignored him, as he rummaged through the drawer he had just placed the razor in. He picked it up and tore the fabric off and threw it to the ground. He had just gotten rejected. He couldn't fathom the rejection, let alone the fact he had just possibly lost his best friend. He couldn't do it anymore. He cut his fingers fumbling with the sharp object. He sat it down and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen scribbling down his farewell note.

"Dan PLEASE!" Phil was shaking the door roughly, and Dan thanked god it was a sturdy thick door.

And so the note read:

_I am so so sorry. I have been nothing but an inconvenience to everyone. I only hope my family can forgive me and move on without me here. _

_Phil,_

_I love you with all my heart. And I have only realized it in the past month that you are the person I have wanted to be with for the rest of my life. But today I realized that can never happen, and you don't return those feelings. I only want you to be happy and have a happy healthy life, and to remember the friendship we once had._

_Farwell._

And with that he placed it on the bed, grabbing the razor and pressing into his skin hard, slicing deep into his writs. The blood began pouring out, soaking the carpet, he lied down in the fetal position, hold his wrist to him and sobbing uncontrollably as the banging on the door became more distant and darkness began seeping into his vision. He smiled slightly through the pain as he let the darkness consume him.

And then nothing.

**A/N: God. Please don't kill me. This actually went really well. Please let me know what you think. I am going to make this a multi chaptered story. This is probably the best story I have ever written, and by far my now most favorite. I hope you guys like it, and I'll have the next chapter up in an hour or so because I NEED to write it.**


	2. Rescued

**A/N: Okay so here I am with the second chapter! Yay! I really hope you guys enjoyed the last one and always please write reviews. They are always appreciated!**

**Enjoy.**

**Rescued**

It had been three days. _Three days _since Dan had tried to take his own life. Phil had never been filled with as much regret and heartache as he had these past three nights he spent in the hospital, only sleeping a couple hours a night, making sure to keep an eye out to make sure Dan's heart monitor hadn't stopped.

It had taken some immediate surgery to sew up Dan's vein and about 9 stitches to get Dan stable. But he had been in a pain induced coma for _three days_. Phi couldn't eat or sleep until he knew Dan was okay, and it was obvious in the dark bags under his eyes.

All he could think about was if only he had said how he truly felt to Dan. If he would have been able to get out that he too, had started falling for the younger man. If he hadn't tried to deny it for worry it might not work out and their friendship would be over Dan would be awake right now and not stuck in a god forsaken hospital.

He had Dan's note clutched in his hand as he read it for the twelfth time that morning. Tears stung his eyes as his friends Peej and Chris walked into the hospital, worry lines evident in their faces as well.

"Any news Phil?" Peej asked, sitting down next to him in one of the waiting chairs. He had walked out of Dan's room to meet them.

"No." He said his voice cracking. "He's still out. The doctors say it shouldn't be but a few more hours at the most."

"You need to tell him how you feel when he wakes up Phil. Dan has been telling me for weeks how much he loves you. All he's wanted is for you to return the feelings." Peej said, "he always made me promise not to tell you."

"I'm going to tell him. I just hope he's alright. These three days have been hell, I just can't eat or sleep until he's okay and awake." Phil said, his heads in his hands.

Just then the nurse who had been keeping an eye on Dan and his vitals walked out, a smile on her face. "Mr. Lester?" The woman said. Phil looked up from his hands, his eyes bloodshot.

"He's awake."

Those were the words Phil had been waiting to hear. He jumped out of his seat and raced to the doorway, then looked back at Chris and Peej. "Are you coming with me?"

"No we will give you guys time to talk." Chris said, motioning for him to go ahead. Phil smiled at them and turned and ran to Dan's room.

Phil peeked through the doorway, seeing Dan sitting up in his bed, a tray of food above his lap which he was eating with vigor as if he hadn't eaten for days, which well _he hadn't._ Phil knocked on the door and Dan looked up, his cheek puffed out with food, when he saw who it was his face turned red and he looked back down at his tray, swallowing the food.

Phil walked in and shut the door. "I see you're awake."

"Yeah. I woke up like 10 minutes ago, they just brought me food." Dan took a drink of water, avoiding looking at Phil.

"That's good. You've been out for three days." Phil said, the tension in the air so thick it could be cut with a butter knife.

Dan's eyes widened as he looked up at Phil. "Wow." Was all he said.

There was a few moments of silence before Phil started. "So about that day."

"Can we not? I just want to forget about it. Can you just forget it? Forget what you read, forget what you saw so we can just go back to the friends we were before it?" Dan said, staring down into his soup.

Phil just shook his head. "No."

"What?" Dan said looking at Phil now.

"You heard me. I said no. Now listen to me." Phil stated sitting down on the bed next to his friend. "I was shocked that day with everything I found out. I don't care that you're gay Dan, I accept who you are no matter what sexuality, even if you decided to switch genders, I would still accept you. You're the most important person in my life. It was just a shock to find out that my best friend, the man who's always so happy and cheerful all the time, the man who is inspiring all his friends and fans to do well in life and never give up and to chase their dreams, is depressed and harming himself. I didn't know what to say that day. I wasn't trying to reject you. I didn't know you felt that way.

I was shocked that after years of getting to know you and becoming closer to you, that after years of finding myself falling in love with you, after telling myself you'd never feel the same, that you'd never love me back, and we would always be platonic friends, I was shocked that you felt the same, and I didn't know what to say." Phil was in tears at this point, confessing the feelings he's had for Dan for years.

Dan's face was red. Phil had just said everything he had hoped to hear for a while. Everything he had dreamed about Phil saying. Tears started to form and rush down the brunettes face. "Please don't fuck with my feelings. If you don't love me back I underst-" Phil grabbed Dan's face with his hands gently, pressing his lips gently to Dan's soft ones. Dan was shocked, but close his eyes, intertwining his fingers in Phil's soft hair, their lips gliding over one another's gently, both or their tears mixing lightly together in their passion.

Phil pulled back, resting his forehead against Dan's and stroking the man's hair lovingly. "I love you Daniel James Howell."

"And I love you Philip Michael Lester."

"Knock knock!" Came Peej from the door. Both Dan and Phil pulled away blushing.

"Oh no by all means continue." Chris says smiling cheekily.

"That's kind of creepy Chris." Peej said smacking him, " I'm glad you're doing okay Dan."

"We will finish this later." Phil whispered to Dan.

"I hear that!" Came Peej again.

"For fucks sake Peej can you leave them be." Chris scolded, a smile evident on his face. "Well Dan, seeing that you're okay, I'm going to get him home so you guys can be alone for a while. I'll stop by in a few days to check in on you guys!"

"Alright Chris. Bye." Phil said, Dan waving a goodbye and with that, they were both out the door, Peej being pulled out by the ear.

Dan and Phil both chuckled. Phil hopped off the bed, "I'm going to go see about getting you checked out so we can go home." Dan nodded and Phil walked out, returning a few moments later with a handful of papers that he told Dan were just precautionary forms and tips to medicate and heal the cut.

They walked into their flat Phil locking the door behind them and then placing his keys on a hook. He sat down on the couch, Dan sitting next to him.

"Look Phil, I'm sorry for all of this. If I hadn't reacted so drastically you wouldn't have had to worry so much."

"Dan, you don't need to be sorry. Just please don't ever do that again." Phil said, cupping Dan's cheek softly. "I love you."

"I love you too." Dan smiled. "Till the end."

"Til the end." Phil agreed, and then without saying anything got up and went back towards their rooms.

Dan got up and followed him into his own room. "What are you doing?" He asked.

"Well, seeing as how you are now mine, I think it's time we move all your things to my room." Phil said, grabbing some of Dan's things and moving into his own room.

It took them about an hour to get some of Dan's important things into Phil's room.

They had moved Dan's bedside table to his room, one of his shelves, his dresser, and cleaned out his closet and hung up his clothes in the closet with Phil's stuff. Dan's room still looked like someone lived in it, just with less belongings.

They both sat down on their now shared bed, Phil placing his arm around Dan's waist and leaning his head on his shoulder before jumping back up with enthusiasm. "I am going to go make you dinner!" He shouted with glee, smiling.

Dan chuckled at him. "Do you want me to help?" He said starting to get up before Phil placed a hand on his chest pushing him back down on the bed.

"No. You stay here and play on Tumblr or something. I'm sure you want to explain where you've been to our Phans as I haven't been on either. I'm going to surprise you!"

And with that Phil was out. Dan decided to grab his laptop and get on Twitter to let the internet know of his hospitalization. He decided to not lie, instead just typing.

_Hello Internet, sorry I've been gone for a while. I've been struggling with depression and I tried to take my own life. But I am better._

That was all he could put in for the 140 character limit, which he found dumb by the way, but he decided that was good enough and posted it. Within minutes his Twitter was blowing up with comments, the majority of them being support, a minor few wondering why, and the as always negative comments telling him to try again, which even though the hurt, he ignored.

After about an hour and a half of updating all of his websites including Facebook and Tumblr, which he also scrolled through, Phil came back in the room holding two bowls one of which he handed to Dan.

Oh my god it smelled delicious, it was his favorite, something they hardly got to have because it was so expensive. Beef Casserole.

Dan leaned over and kissed Phil on the cheek. "Thank you for dinner. It smells delicious.

They ate their dinner in silence. Both moaning words of appreciation, before Phil got back up and leaving, coming back in a few moments later with a plate and two pieces of cake.

"You made cake!" Dan exclaimed.

"Surprise!" Phil said sitting down in front of Phil on the bed and placing the cake between them.

Dan took a bite, savoring the chocolaty goodness, before eyeing Phil, scoping some up on his finger and touching it to Phil's nose.

Phil laughed and wiped it off, doing the same and wiping it on Dan's neck.

Dan froze, eyes locked on Phil's as he moved the cake to the table and moved forward into Dan's lap, pushing him onto his back and leaning down to lick the chocolate off from his neck, where Dan unfroze, his hands shooting up to Phil's hair and a loud moan escaping his lips as Phil sucked at his neck, getting all the chocolate off of his skin, Phil sat up straddling Dan and smiled before a low growl erupted from Dan who pulled him back down and slammed their lips together in a fusion of lust and passion. Their lips glided over each other's, Dan's hands tangled in Phil's hair and Phil's hands roaming down Dan's chest and to the hem of his shirt before pulling the shirt off of the boy and throwing the shirt onto the floor, before running his hands up and down the chest, feeling the muscles twitch under his touch.

"Fuck Phil." Dan moaned, his entire body on fire, the words allowing for Phil to slip his tongue into the younger man's mouth.

Hearing his own name on Dan's lips in such a lustful voice aroused Phil and sat fire to his whole body. Phil was now rock hard in his pants and suddenly wanted them off more than he's wanted anything in his entire life.

As if reading Phil's mind, Dan reached down to fumble with his pants. After successfully getting them unbuttoned and unzipped, Phil stood up to remove his shirt and his pants, giving Dan time to remove his as well. Phil took this time to marvel at Dan's body and how beautiful he was, he'd seen Dan in his boxers thousands of times, but somehow this was different. He noticed that Dan too was enjoying this, seeing as how there was a nice sized tent forming in his boxers.

Phil was suddenly back on top of Dan, kissing him, then kissing from the side of his mouth, own to the boys neck, biting and sucking lightly, leaving a light purple bruise in his wake. Dan was moaning, his hands tangled in his lover's hair as he pushed his hips up into Phil's. Phil faltered for a second, moaning and burying his head into the tanned neck before him.

"Daan," he moaned, kissing don the boys neck, then onto his chest where he trailed kisses down to his nipple swirling his tongue around it and nipping lightly before doing same to the other nipple, and continuing on his journey down to Dan's boxers. He kissed just above the hem of them, before pulling them down and off. He took one look at Dan's dick in front of his face, Dan sucking in a breath.

Phil leaned down, swirling his tongue around the tip, then taking the whole thing in his mouth tasting Dan for the first time.

He pulled up and reached over in his bedside drawer to grab lube. He sat up on his knees and looked at Dan.

"Do you want to do this?" He asked. He had to be sure. He didn't want to do anything that Dan didn't feel comfortable doing.

"Yes I'm sure, please don't stop now. Just be gentle. I- I've never done this before." Dan blushed a deep red and looked away from Phil.

Phil moved up to kiss Dan gently. "I'll be gentle I promise." And with that, Phil poured some of the lube on his finger, rubbing it gently around Dan's hole, feeling the muscles constrict at the coolness. Phil pushed a finger in gently, feeling Dan tighten up at the intrusion. "Relax" He told the younger boy, "It won't hurt as much if you relax."

He felt the muscles loosen around his finger, so he pushed it in the rest of the way, pumping it a few times, twisting it in and out, once he'd loosened it enough he added a second finger.

Dan moaned in pain, it didn't feel horrible it felt good a bit, but this was new to him. Hearing the moan, Phil decided to continue his earlier ministrations and wrapped his mouth back around Dan's cock. He moaned out of pleasure this time as Phil pumped his two fingers in and out, doing a scissoring motion with his fingers and bobbing his head up and down swirling his tongue around in circles.

Dan cried out suddenly, "there!" He exclaimed and Phil knew he had found the spot, Phil added a third finger, trying to hit that spot every now and again, rubbing it lightly with his fingers. Once he had prepared the man enough he pulled his fingers out of the boy and let the cock out of his mouth with a slight pop.

He poured a little lube into his hand and rubbed it onto his cock, pumping his hand a few times, before coming up, pressing the head against Dan's entrance. "Are you ready?" Dan nodded.

Phil pressed gently into him, fully sheathing himself in him. "Tell me when I can move," He said softly to the younger man. He stroked Dan's hair softly, kissing him, hoping to lessen the pain a little it. After a moment Dan nodded and Phil began to pull out before slowly pushing back in. He began building his pace, Dan's pleasure filled moans encouraging him.

"There Phil, there!" Dan nearly shouted throwing his head back against the pillows, which Phil took the opening to attack Dan's neck with his mouth, his mouth sucking and nipping at the skin as he pounded into him, aiming for that one spot every time which he hit with success. He reached down with a hand and grabbed Dan's cock, pumping it each time he thrust in and out.

"Ph-Phil. I-I'm getting close." Dan stuttered, his fingers gripping tightly onto the bed sheet. "Oh god don't stop. Please don't stop!" Dan shouted. He then started mumbling, things Phil couldn't make out.

"I'm going to cum Dan, cum with me." Phil panted out into Dan's neck, rubbing his hand up and down his shaft faster.

Phil bit down on Dan's neck a little roughly and suddenly he was tightening around him, "Phil!" he nearly screamed, ribbons of white spurting and covering both of their chests.

With that Phil shouted out Dan's name, emptying himself into Dan, he kept thrusting, riding at their orgasms together.

Phil pulled out slowly as his breathing slowly went back to normal and collapsed down next to his new lover. He pulled the blankets up over them.

"What about the mess?" Dan asked sleepily.

"We'll clean it up in the morning, just rest for now, love." Phil said, pulling the brunette over and onto his chest. "I love you, Daniel."

"I love you too, Philip."

And with that, they both fell into a blissful sleep.

**A/N: So how was it? The smut good? To smutty? Haha. Sorry bout that if it was. I tend to get hot and carried away!**

**Please review!**

**~iSpankzz**


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